NOTE: In the opening visual, we have our first sign of
incongruence -- the sight of a happy UPS man tossing a fragile package in the
air. This is also the start of establishing our main comedy
character.
He tosses the box
behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.
UPS MAN
UPS, good to
see you!
He takes a couple
of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins
completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A
Hispanic man passes.
UPS MAN
Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.
NOTE: We've now got a running gag - this package will continually
be abused in many unique ways, many of which are funny. This guy is having fun.
So naturally we'll take the journey with him, having fun all the
way.
EXT. APARTMENT
BUILDING - DAY
The UPS Man
dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the
front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and
inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps. He goes
back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Several people
stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the
package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.
NOTE: This is a physical topper. First, he was just tossing the
package into the air. Now, he allows the elevator door to close on it over and
over. He's taken the joke to a new level.
INT. 3RD FLOOR -
DAY
ELEVATOR DOORS
OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it
down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in
front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.
NOTE: This concludes our running gag. The same humor used many
times with minor changes that continue to have it be funny. Who would have
thought a UPS package could be so much fun?
We hear a small
dog barking.
GRUFF MAN
(O.S.)
Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
An angry, burly
man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.
NOTE: Comedy description. Sticking his nose hairs out the door is
much more entertaining than just sticking out his nose.
GRUFF MAN
What do you want?
UPS MAN
UPS,
sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!
NOTE: Punchline: Having the UPS Man ask a question, then answer it
himself.
The man grumpily
unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair.
NOTE: More comedy description: 50 pounds of chest hair.
UPS MAN
I
have a package for you.
The UPS guy
thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside.
The man takes the
package.
GRUFF MAN
It
sounds broken.
UPS MAN
Most
likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I have an insurance
form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print
your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we
can.
NOTE: Punchline: Sign these forms so we can get more forms out to
you.
The man
begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We
can see that he likes the UPS guy.
UPS MAN
That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?
GRUFF MAN
(mumbles)
I don't give a rat's ass.
The UPS Man bends
down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.
UPS MAN
Oo ja
boo ba da boo boo do booo!
GRUFF MAN
(under
breath)
Brother.
Before the Gruff
Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.
UPS MAN
That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day.
Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!
NOTE: Incongruent: Taking the form before he's finished.
THRASH MUSIC
STARTS
INT. HALLWAY --
CONT'D
The UPS Man moves
swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.
INT. APARTMENT 3B
- CONT'D
The Gruff Man
shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.
EXT. APARTMENT
BUILDING - CONT'D
The UPS Man
bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes
several people.
UPS MAN
(quickly)
UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.
INT. APARTMENT 3B
- CONT'D
We see the back
of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an
inch. The Gruff Man looks over.
GRUFF MAN
Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!
The dog doesn't
budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.
GRUFF MAN
What's the matter with you, I said GIT!!!
He roughly picks
the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it
is a stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have
been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.
NOTE: Prop humor: The dog is a stuffed animal. Punchline/topper: The
card.
GRUFF MAN
Son
of a bitch! He smashes the dog to the ground.
EXT. ALLEY -
CONT'D
As the UPS
Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the
Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.
NOTE: Sight gag: Dog sticking head out of his shirt.
ACE
(announcer's
voice)
That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, in every
contest, there must be...A LOOSER!
He jumps into an
old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.
ACE
LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!
He then pulls
open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.
NOTE: More prop humor: Ashtray full of puppy chow.
He tries to start
the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.
ACE
(to dog)
No
problem, it gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.
Ace sits back.
SMASH!!!
From Ace's POV we
see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
ACE
Or, we
could try it now.
NOTE: Punchline: Understatement.
Ace frantically
tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the
living shit out of it.
ACE
Oooh,
boy.
ACE'S POV: We see
the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.
ACE
Warning!
Assholes are closer than they appear!
NOTE: Punchline: Parody of the mirror saying "Objects are closer than
they appear."
The dog is
barking insanely.
ACE
(to dog)
You
think you can do better?!
NOTE: Personification: Ace talks with animals as if he understands
them.
The baseball bat
is now pummeling the trunk.
ACE
Wanna
give me a push while you're back there?
NOTE: Punchline: Absurd request.
BOOM! The back
window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.
ACE
FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!
NOTE: Parody of a religious celebration. Instead of saying hallelujah
or something else, Ace praises a car company.
Ace leaves the
bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.
EXT. MIAMI CITY
STREETS - DAY
Ace and his new
pal speed away freely.
Close on the
happy dog, hanging his head out the car window.
PAN across the
broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where
he's going.
NOTE: Sight gag/Metaphor humor: The dog and Ace are similar
creatures.
The car drives by
a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's
seat.
THRASH MUSIC ENDS
INT. HOUSE - DAY
A very sexy woman
is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.
WOMAN
My
little baby. You missed mommy didn't you? Did daddy hurt you? I won't let him,
no I won't. He may have kept the big screen TV, but he's not gonna keep my
baby. No he isn't.
WOMAN
(very sexy
to Ace)
Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
She slinks over
to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.
ACE
Well, the
reward would be good, and there was some damage to my--
She cuts Ace off
with a devastating kiss.
WOMAN
Would
you like me to take you pants off instead?
NOTE: Incongruent request.
ACE
Ummmm… Sure.
She pulls him
toward the bedroom.
WOMAN
It
takes a big man to stand up to my husband. He's already put two of my lovers in
the hospital.
ACE
How did
he find out? Does he have you followed.
WOMAN
No… I tell him.
She plants a kiss
on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.
NOTE: Reversal: The woman admires him for his courage, then tells him
that she is setting him up. Then kisses him and pulls him into bed.
